I sat at my work desk feeling like I was going out of mind. I was experiencing what I call a passive death wish. In my head I was saying, “I am tired and give up.” I cried, sobbed and whaled. I had experienced the grief and loss of my maternal grandfather who was my Light, Savior and Protector. He was my everything. My grandfather died February 13, 2015 on what would have been his 72nd wedding anniversary to my grandmother.
I lost my husband to addiction. I lost my son to addiction. I lost my financial security. I lost interest in my work. I lost all motivation. I became a procrastinator, a dreamer, a loner, and a victim to a poor self-image and worth. The one thing I had in my favor was that I always surrounded myself with people I loved and who cared about me and saw my rich spirit and potential.
I believe in the movement of energy. I cried out, “Send help. Send it fast.” The key to asking for help is to also pay attention to signs and messages that come help. Things like readings, meditations, people, as well as your own internal voice are all important when asking for help. You have to know when help arrives.
Michael, who has been in my life for 15 years, showed up. I was not surprised, as I believe in the law of attraction. He was so different than I had ever known him and it was contagious. I wanted what he had. He explained a process of transformation to me and I was convinced I needed it and had to have it. For the first time in my life I was faced with myself. I had no excuses, no rationalizations as to why I could not give myself the gift of a new life.
I pushed through the fear of taking time off work, having no money to invest in this spiritual journey. It was not until I made up my mind I was willing to give up everything that everything fell into place. My employers approved my time off, and the money became available. Off I went on this new journey alone as if I was making a pilgrimage. I was 51. Some of the activities, interactions, and assignments I found bizarre and sometimes even nuts. I had hit rock bottom mentally, emotionally and spiritually so the only way was up.
I learned that change and transformation are forever evolving in me. I have to admit that I have never in my life experienced something so intense and powerful. I went back to being in my mother’s womb. I was able to unpack all the suitcases of issues, fears, shame, failures, resentments, grief, pain and rage. I was able to learn how to be vulnerable. This process caused a purging of waste from my body — physically, spiritually and mentally.
I wanted to lay down new neural pathways but was still in doubt if it would happen for me. When the process was completed I was so exhausted with an overload of releasing 51 years of insecurities, second-guessing, self- doubt. Being my worse enemy was finally over. The healing process had begun, and when I left the magic, the daily miracles began to happen. My interactions with others used to cause negative reactions that were no longer happening. I thought to myself, “This is real and the change process really did happen.”
I had to learn to be mindful and proactive what I had learned to keep the transformational process alive. Staying connected to people who are authentic and also looking to transform themselves became important. I will forever be grateful to the soul that tapped into my pain and was willing to challenge, confront me and motivate me to overcome. I need people and have come to believe they need me too!
Thanks for the opportunity to share my experience. I am free and not in bondage anymore!