On A Personal Note

Finding out later in life, what the causes are for the choices we are making, or have made can be stunning, to say the least.  Reaching middle age and making the same choices we were making at the age of seventeen shows lack of growth and lack of maturity.  We grow older and wiser but some things we do never change, and it is not only hard to understand why we do these things, most times they often go unnoticed. We find ourselves involved in situations that make no sense to our psyche. After all is done we are still left with the empty feeling of being incomplete. To fill that void we often turn to behaviors that lack rational.

Daddy Please…

NO, no, no, no, no why was that so emotional for me. To tell someone no who is begging please. I was in so much emotional pain just saying no. Was it because I never say no? I feel obligated to help those in need, even with beggar’s I have to get angry and say no. I walk away with resentment that they asked me for something and made me say no. If they just hadn’t asked I would be all right. I love saying yes to what I want to say yes to. If it’s shinny, pretty or glows I just love to say yes. I say yes to the beauty of it, I feel a glow inside, But no’s seem dark, hurtful and angry.

“Daddy please” still gets me choked up. The word Daddy has never rolled off my tongue before 2014. 55 years and I never said Daddy.

I was begging for his love and I didn’t know it and all he said was NO, without a reason just No, No. “Daddy please, Why don’t you love me? Why don’t you care? I just wanted to feel what it was like to be loved by you, to be taught by you, I wanted to be with you.”

“ Daddy please”, “I want you to hold me, and hold tight and all you said was No, and all I said was Daddy please, and you just said No.

Daddy please tell me you love me, Daddy please tell me I’m a good boy”.  He just left, without a word but No.

And then it was my chance and I said No, No, No. I don’t want you, I don’t love you, leave me alone, and he did, but he came back and I said No, No, No.

And I loved him, but I just didn’t know and he didn’t know, and now he is gone, I still can’t hold him, and he can’t hold me. My Daddy never got a chance to love me and I never got a chance to love my Daddy. So I’m sorry daddy, please know that I love you and I know you love me.

Hoffman helped me understand that my original abandonment became a part of who I learned to be for 54 years. I would never get close to people. I always stood at a distance. Love was never accepted and was something I could not give. I was afraid of being left alone, so I adjusted to living my life alone and that was the way it was going to be. Now I have a fuller life and accept and enjoy the love of others. I put myself out there to show my love, sometimes I’m testing people and other times I’m just living in it. I’m at peace with my relationship with my father and know that he is proud of the man I have become and he can see how loved I am.

After we find the cause of the problem, learning new behaviors take time to establish. Knowing it can be done is half the battle getting it done is the substance of what life means for all of us.  Getting it done, after searching for the cause of the hurt, and seizing the opportunity to love ourselves enough to know we are better than good enough to create the realizations we need to fulfill our lives with contentment.