She Trembles

black-and-white-person-woman-girlTrembling, as I document the downward spiral of, my daughter, my light. She has always been strong and independent. It is hard to watch her struggle and denial the substance that has taken over her former self. She a mere skeleton of the happy child she was once. The trail of fabrication about where she was for days has me shaking.  Does she think I cannot see her shrinking? Does she see it herself?  She says she was trying to lose weight. She was always an addict.  She was addicted to food, now she barely eats.

My option is to be supportive.  I let her know I love her, and that she can beat this demon substance, that lies, tells her she is not addicted.  An addictive substance more powerful than a mother’s love makes her feel some type of powerful force to be reckoned with. I want to help her avoid the dirty white lies that demon tells her making her believe she is strong enough to use and not ruin her life.

She is sensitive, she cannot handle the painful realities that make her run, and hide behind the great white wall of powder. One blow, it begins to quake. Two blows the wall appears to be falling, three blows and the great white wall of powder looks like it can shield her from harm. One more and… So she does another and another until each problem takes a hit.

It is easier to blame others who caused her to hurt and to seek higher ground. I tell her there is no higher ground in quick sand, but she keeps climbing deeper. She says she is not doing anything wrong, I need to stop saying she is on drugs. I pause and wonder, I need it to be true; she would never take drugs that would make her lie cheat and steal. I do not want to push her into a world she does belong. I do not want to hear, well you thought I was so I did . . .

This is hard. She knows I owe her for the time I was unable to support her financially, in college.  I drank and was addicted to cigarettes. I will stand by her. I was a bad example. I helped her take her first step when she began to walk. If I can get her to the step, where she can admit there is a problem, I feel very strongly, she will pull through.

-anonymous mom